Hi, there. I see you. Yes, you.

I know that Mother’s Day is hard for you. Perhaps you have experienced pregnancy loss(es). Maybe you have lost your mother. Maybe you are grieving the loss of the possibility of being a mother. Whatever this day holds for you, I hope you recognize that it is valid. Your feelings are valid.

According to Webster’s dictionary, a mother is defined as “A female parent of an animal. A woman who gives birth to or has the responsibility of physical and emotional care of specific children.” This description is too limited in my opinion.

A few weeks after my sister gave birth to her third son, and a few weeks before Mother’s Day, I lost my first and only son in the second trimester of a pregnancy that had seemed perfect.

“We don’t have to do anything for Mother’s Day,” my mom said, knowing it would likely be difficult for me.

This loss of my son was my third pregnancy loss. I had been through the proverbial ringer.

“No, that’s okay. I can do it,” I said.

This was a profound example of fooling oneself.


My husband and I hosted the Mother’s Day…

On March 25, every major news outlet ran a headline announcing New Zealand’s approved legislation granting women (and their partners) three days of paid leave after a miscarriage or stillbirth.

Like many others, I cheered. I cheered because this marks one of the first times a country has declared that pregnancy loss is something that 1) happens and 2) requires a period of healing, physically and emotionally. Ginny Andersen, a member of Parliament who proposed the bill, said, “The bill will give women and their partners time to come to terms with their loss without having to tap into sick…

With more women sharing their stories, the conversation around pregnancy loss is livelier than ever before. This is step one-breaking the silence so women feel less alone. Now it’s time for step two-changing the terms within the conversation so women feel less shame.

Recently, Peanut announced what they’re calling the Renaming Revolution, and I am here for it. The current language around pregnancy loss perpetuates the idea that women are somehow at fault (even though we know that the vast majority of pregnancy losses are caused by chromosomal abnormalities and genetic issues). With each of my losses (I had four)…

Here’s the truth: I lost four pregnancies, and after each one, I hated my husband.

My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, meaning the embryo took up residence in my left fallopian tube, which required emergency surgery to end the embryo’s life and save mine. The day after this surgery, while I was in bed woozy from pain pills, my husband, Chris, went to a hockey game with his brother. When I expressed my frustration-nay, rage-about this to a friend, she said, “When I had my miscarriage, my husband went to Vegas.”

This seems to be a thing with some…

There are approximately 6 million pregnancies in the U.S. each year, and more than a million of those end in loss. A million. Every year.

Despite this unfortunate prevalence, there is no support infrastructure in place for people going through pregnancy loss. I realized this when I went through it myself.

I had four pregnancy losses and, after each one, I felt lost, left to my own devices to figure out what was happening to me physically and emotionally. Technically, my obstetrician was there for my pregnancy; when my pregnancy ended, was he still my doctor? It wasn’t clear. Certainly…

I recently watched the Netflix series Firefly Lane, based on the book by Kristin Hannah, and was pleasantly surprised to see how they handled pregnancy loss–specifically, the loss of a pregnancy that was not planned or even wanted initially.

Spoiler alert: Tully Hart (played by Katherine Heigl) is a 43-year-old talk show host with a fair amount of fame and fortune. She has always prioritized her career over all else (with the exception of her friendship with Kate Mularkey, played by Sarah Chalke). So, when she finds out she is pregnant by her casual boyfriend, Max, she is not exactly…

Maybe the loss of your pregnancy-your baby-is new. The hurt is fresh. You can’t stop thinking about what went wrong. You try to stop worrying. To stay in the moment. You can’t. Your thoughts race. What if you try to become pregnant again, and succeed? That could mean you might lose the pregnancy-the baby-again.

The words “don’t be afraid” might roll off a well-meaning person’s lips with the intention of trying to make you feel better. You might even say them to yourself. But when you do you find yourself back in an anxious state. Now what?

First: the two…

While grieving each of my pregnancy losses, I was bombarded with phrases like these:

  • “At least you could get pregnant.”
  • “There will be another one.”
  • “Just keep trying. One of them will stick.”
  • “You can always adopt.”
  • “Maybe it’s for the best.”
  • “Everything happens for a reason.”
  • “Don’t worry, it’s so common!”
  • “At least it happened early.”
  • “It’ll happen when the time is right.”
  • “Everything will be OK.”
  • “You’ll come out of this stronger.”

On the surface, these all sounded like “nice” things to say, so I was confused when everything in me wanted to slap the people saying them…

After a traumatic event, the world tilts. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.

A trauma like pregnancy loss can, for some, bring detrimental relationship dynamics-issues in relationships that were there before the loss-into sharp relief. This goes for any relationship-intimate, professional, neighborly, family, friends.

Moving into this vulnerable emotional space does not mean you are weak. It does not mean you are “too” sensitive. However, it can be disconcerting. The way you’ve experienced the relationship is coming to an end. It’s a loss-another one.

One way vulnerability can come about is when you’ve exhausted your ability to “not see” problems…

All the Love

Supporting and empowering people through pregnancy loss. All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss (Turner Publishing, 2021).

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